Go Pluck Yourself!

I've often asked my friends if truly odd things happen to me or if it's just my impression of the world that makes everything seem so odd. Most of them say it's just me and my view.

I'm not sure I agree.

Because seriously weird shit happens to me. Routinely. 

I don't consider myself a runner.  But, staggerer doesn't sound that great... I don't love running. I don't hate it either. What I do love is alone time. With music. That I like. This morning there was a break in the weather. Almost 50 degrees, no rain. I'm headed out.

Gear on, headphones in, Nike running app started.

Stretch in the driveway, head up Cedar St. 

Nike voice says, "beginning workout". "Running with the Devil" by Van Halen starts. Oh yeah. 

What the Hell? Coming toward me like a little gang - three chickens and a turkey. 

Run! Run for freedom!

First thought. Run little guys! Run for freedom! Five days to Thanksgiving and they've escaped. I'd like to think they tunneled out using some truly complicated plan while whistling the theme from 'The Great Escape'. But, really, I don't want them to get run over. After an awesome escape it would be a big bummer to get flattened by a car.

I put my hands out and got in my 'get the calves in the pen' stance.

Pausing work out.

The turkey comes toward me.

Come on guys, get out of the street. 

The chickens started first. Moving faster than you'd expect.

Hey man, be cool. 

The turkey charged and grabbed my shoelace. Okay, this is funny. 

Dude, I'm a vegetarian. Be cool, man.

I juked to the side to get away.

Resuming workout. 

This turkey is crazy. He opens his wings a bit and speeds up as I back away.

Hey man, where do you live? Come on, I'll help you.

He lunged again. This time at my knee cap. It's not that it's painful, but it's not pleasant either. I'm more worried that he'll damage my running tights. Nike, of course.

Pausing workout.

Listen asshole. I'm trying to help you. (Oh my God. I just called a turkey an asshole. On Cedar Street.)

He continues to peck at my knees. I pushed him back. And that's when he went for my hand. Chomping and trying to shake it - like a dog. The chickens are now wound up and running in circles, loudly cheering on their turkey friend, who I've now determined is some sort of 'roided up Foster Farms escapee.

Forget it man. I turn and leave them on their own. 

Resuming workout.

Come at me! This time I have a car!

Halfway down the block I turn and look back. They are right behind me. Barely off my ankles. They're lucky that I'm more Aileen Henley than Dorothy Henley. Dorothy would have rung some necks and planned a delicious meal. 

Hours after my run, shower and lunch they're still roaming around about a block away. He's tasted how delicious a vegetarian is and wants more.

I'm pretty sure.

Adventures with Hillary

This adventure started off like so many others...

With a text from Michelle.

Her: Hillary Clinton is in town on Wednesday.

Me: Details. I need details!

Her: U of W bookstore. I'll call and find out more.

Me: I'm in. Just figure it out. I'm in.

Now, here's the thing. I don't write political blogs. Oh, I have opinions. Lots of them. But, it just seems like a rats nest. And a way for a lot of people that I am related to to like me even less. Let's just say, when it comes to politics, this apple fell FAR from the tree(s).

But, to meet and shake hands and get an autographed book from a woman who could be the next president. Seriously? I'm in. And I'm gonna tell everyone.

We made plans. I'd leave the office a little early on Tuesday. Go to Michelle's house in Olympia, we'll hang out and then head out to the bookstore late at night or early in the morning. We had to be in line and wrist banded and security checked.

Well, most of those things happened in that order...

Solid night. Lost track of time.

Turns out that Olympia is like the Bermuda Triangle - I had no idea! I did go to her house. I did even sleep there. For a couple hours. And, I did wake up so hung over I thought I was going to die. Or maybe wishing. I can tell you waking up even slightly hung over underneath a skylight is a very unpleasant experience.

I think our plan was to go out for a couple hours.

I forgot the plan right around the 5th G & T. But, who's counting?

Interviewed while hungover - winning!

We made it out of the house blurry eyed but awake. The line wasn't too long - yet. Made the coffee run. It was Seattle, after all. And then. Well, then, we waited. And waited. And waited. We did get interviewed by the Seattle-Times - where I gave a very funny line about Bill Clinton needing hobbies once Hillary is in office. Because, seriously, I love him but he needs to be kept busy. It didn't translate well into print. Without tone and inflection, I'm not that funny.

At 9AM the line started to move. Slowly. It snaked through the bookstore. We were wrist banded and charged for the book. Which is genius, pretty much guarantees you'll return to get it and holds you to only one book.

We returned to Oly and napped, showered and got ready and then returned. Most people had just stayed there and thus had a pretty good position in line. We did not.

Instructions were given. Summed up to this: Keep the line moving, if someone tells you to do something, do it. And, no matter what, don't touch her.

Photos weren't allowed within three feet. Bummer because I was going to selfie the shit out of that deal. It's all good though, I'll do the walking away selfie with her in the background.

The tiny bit of turquoise back there? Hillary!

We started the security process. Started with friendly guys in khakis and polos. But, at the top of the stairs there was a line of what looked like former NFLers in suits. They were not friendly and they did not smile. At all.

We got a little freaked out when they took a guy down. Okay, we can handle this, we just do what they say.

At the top of the rope line people started taking pictures. The line was moving fast. People were violating the rules. And getting yelled at by large men in suits and guns. Do what they say! Please!? Crazy lady! They're going to take you down! Honestly, some of the people were so annoying that I would have been fine had the been taken down. But it would have probably slowed the line down. Ain't nobody got time for that.

In the end, we got our books signed. I did get that hand shake in - double handed - Bill Clinton style.


An awesome selfie with a future president? That didn't go so well. But, we can laugh about it now. Maybe.

I'll do the Matt selfie. With Hillary in the background. Shit.