Wisdom

Back when I was a senior in high school, so not that long ago... I had pericoronitis. Or, more commonly known, an infection near a wisdom tooth. The damn thing kept coming up and then going back down. It hurt like a son of a bitch.

So, my dad took me to the dentist.

The dental assistant said, "we see this all the time in kids your age. We'll clean it out and you'll go home with antibiotics."

The dentist walked in. Took a look and obviously feeling frisky said, "let's extract it."

Um... what... what about all my friends being knocked out? Given the good stuff... off school for days. Nope, not me. I had some quack who also happened to be a sadist.

After some novocaine and a few minutes to collect my thoughts he was digging in my jaw. I closed my eyes. Tightly. I could hear the frustration in his tone. When I got brave and opened my eyes, he was halfway in the dental chair. Using the arm of the chair and some crazy crowbar as leverage in an effort to loosen the tooth. That tooth wasn't budging. This is likely why 'normal' dentists don't do oral surgery in their offices. No matter, he just cut more gum out to free the poor little beast. Finally with a loud pop, a flood of blood, an exhale and the feeling of a big tool slamming into the roof of my mouth, it was free.

He rinsed my mouth out. Gave me some lecture about dry socket. (I was too stunned to listen.) I was on my way.

And then he set up an appointment for a month out to pull the other one. Thank God I only had two to start with.

My wisdom teeth were packed into a little yellow envelope. All my wisdom. Sealed up.

When I got home, I threw the envelope into a box.

You can probably tell where this is going...

So, the other day...

Now, I like things put away. Everything in it's place and all that. But, that doesn't mean I don't have some super random stuff in boxes around the house. Decorative boxes.

I came upon them. In their little yellow envelope.

I dumped them into my hand. They haven't really aged well.

"I suppose I should throw them away."

A glance. With the obvious look of, duh.

"I've had them forever. It feels weird to get rid of them."

The look on her face didn't change, "or, it could be said that it's weird that you still have them."

As much as I hate to say it, she's right.

They're gone. Which is a bummer because tonight as I sit here I thought of about ten horrifyingly funny things I could have done with them...

Bye guys.

First Date

No, not my first date.

Shelby's.

Poor dog. This really stems from the kids. They want puppies. Not to keep. I've been very clear. There will be no puppies kept. Really.

A personal ad placed.

Single. Height/Weight proportionate. Devoted to her family. Looking for the same in a mate.

Contacts came in. An attractive doggie. We set the time.

He no-showed.

I don't know who this dog thinks he is but to stand up my little girl? He is a cad of the highest order.

And so, another date was set. With the dog of a friend. A back up date, so to speak. Sort of a 'sorry you got stood up... He's cute and has a nice personality. My friend's kid... you'll love him!'

They sniffed.

They ran around in the yard.

They played ball.

Typical first date stuff.

I locked them in the kennel together. Horrified by what was going to happen.

Barry White playing. Glass of red wine. For me.

Turns out that I didn't need to be stressed. They never figured it out. After a sleep over and two days, she firmly parked him in the friend zone.

No amount of his charm was going to win her over. Any time he got near her, she sat down and looked at him like he was crazy.

She's a working girl with a family to care for.

She has no time for shenanigans and teen pregnancy.

SB/WF Looking for Love.

So embarrassing...

I get easily embarrassed. People are often shocked by that. But, it should be noted that I can't even say ovaries without blushing.

I've promised myself I would openly talk all things body and sex with the kids. It's brutal and I'm not good at it but I force myself. In good news, the boy hates it. HATE. The girl with her plans of being a doctor isn't shy or embarrassed. She looks at all things as parts. Parts that as a doctor she'll have to fix. Much like a mechanic looks like a car, I imagine.

And so when the text came in from their dad with a pdf attached of the 8th grade homework the boy was completing... I giggled. I giggled a lot. It was his night. His night to help with homework. The homework in question, a seven page assignment on birth control. One page a crossword. Three letter form of birth control... The boy didn't know. His dad didn't know. Dudes, it's IUD. Duh.

So two nights later with the children back at my house, at the dinner table, I asked, "How's the birth control homework going?"

"Don't."

"What?"

"I'll leave." His cheeks flushed.

"What, over condoms? I'm an advocate. You should always use them. Like, no matter what." Part of me wanted to die, but at the look on his face, I found strength to continue on.

His nearly 14 year old brain appeared to explode, while the girl popped up, "I know what a condom is."

"Of course you do."

And with that, he left the table.

Oh, son, it's just the beginning.

The Let Down

Christmas is over. Today is the official twelfth day; although I don't observe the twelve days. (Tomorrow is Epiphany; I haven't forgotten everything from Sunday school.) I'm a Saturday after Thanksgiving to before New Years Eve person. I love taking it down nearly as much as I love putting it up. I love the over decorated Christmas time and then feel relief when everything is back in it's place.

It's time to take the tree down, wrap up the decorations and pack it all away for another eleven months or so.

I love Christmas. Love. Love. Love. The fourth quarter is really where I am the most happy. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Lots of time to spend with my favorite people. Lots of eating. Lots of movies. Lots of naps.

All good things, in my book.

And now, now, I'm in the hang over. The let down. That day after Christmas thing... it lasts a bit longer than just the day after... It's especially heavy this year because it was a fantastic season with a lot of fun.

I've finished up the last of the Starbucks Christmas Blend and stirred in the last of the peppermint creamer.

Made eggnog french toast. Visited friends. Drank too much. Carefully wrapped up the ornaments and decorations I've had forever. Got a little misty over a couple. Allegedly.

It'll be awhile until I'm staying up late watching movies and sleeping in on weekdays and wearing pajamas all day whilst wandering around with a coffee nudge in my hand.

Well, not a terribly long time for the coffee nudge part...