If I Only Had a Heart...

When I was a little kid, The Wizard of Oz was only on once a year. On television. On a network. With commercials. We generally tuned in.

We'd sit down in the basement on the orange carpet scared nearly to death when the monkeys came out. And, seriously, if those flying monkeys didn't scare you, you were a child robot. I don't really care for them now and I'm 40.

When I was 10, my mother remarried. She married a Wizard of Oz super fan. The yearly viewing wasn't just sort of mentioned in passing, it was an event. It was NOT to be missed. Singing along was allowed; talking wasn't. Again, sitting on the floor, but now on cream carpet.

I'm a Tin Man fan. The Dad Guy, well, he was a Cowardly Lion guy.

Tin Man.

The Tin Man and I have a lot in common. That whole missing heart thing...  Now, I'm not totally heartless. Maybe I'm more Grinchy and my heart is just too small. Two sizes too small, in fact. Maybe I'm just mostly heartless?

I asked my sister once if maybe I had Asbergers. She was quick to correct me. No, she said, you don't have Asbergers. You have assholers.

Maybe that's more true. Plus, the combination of my directness and sarcasm often makes me seem less caring than I actually am. Or was.

Until recently. I've gotten older, I'm figuring out who I am. I've sort of grown up this past year. Yes, I know that I am an adult. That's a legal definition. Actually being a grown up is a different thing. Maybe turning 40 was the wake up call. Maybe the kids getting older... Maybe the realization this year that life is really, really short... But, it has come to my attention, that I do indeed have a heart. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Because, it kind of sucks. Hearts are fragile. And, as the Wizard said, 'Hearts will never be practical, until they can be made unbreakable'.

This heart thing, it's making my crunchy outside difficult to manage. It's exposing my soft nougat middle. It's making stuff come out of my eyes.

Fortunately, The Wizard of Oz is now on TV all the time and available on DVD and all sorts of digital downloads. I can check in with the Tin Man any time I want. Or feel I need to.

I sit on the couch now though. Because, I'm a grown up.

My favorite ink.

When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle,

And yet I'm torn apart.

Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,

If I only had heart.

I'd be tender - I'd be gentle and awful sentimental

Regarding Love and Art.

I'd be friends with the sparrows ...

and the boys who shoots the arrows

If I only had a heart.

Picture me - a balcony. Above a voice sings low.

Wherefore art thou, Romeo? I hear a beat....

How sweet.

Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,

And really feel the part.

I could stay young and chipper

and I'd lock it with a zipper,

If I only had a heart.

Charts and graphs

I'm a bit of a nerd. Never really denied that. But, also fought it a bit too. I mean, who wants to be a nerd? Especially when I was growing up... In the 80's and 90's. Being a nerd wasn't a good thing. Now, well, now, nerds kind of rule the world. So, there.

I like writing. A lot. Being a full time writer would be a fantastic thing. Doesn't pay as well as the nerd thing does. At least the things I want to write. If I could bring myself to write about teenage angst and vampires... I hear that pays pretty well. But, alas, I cannot.

I like shiny stuff. And, I like solving problems - that's why I love my job. I get to solve problems all day. Plus look at charts and graphs. And, oh my God, trends. Numbers are sexy. Super sexy. Winning.

I'm not really a blogger, more of a story teller. I just use a blogging platform because it's easy to share. A true blogger writes multiple posts a day (not 30 a year), has hundreds of thousands of followers and makes a living. I have one follower. One. (And, no, it's not my mom!) The most hits I've ever gotten on one post is 216. I average around 80. Number of hits is directly related to time of day posted. And day of the week. My trouble is that I get so excited to share I post as soon as I'm done writing rather than waiting for the 'perfect' time. Trends be damned!

The added bonus of using a blogging platform to share stories?

Um, charts and graphs.