Joni Mitchell

A few weeks ago a good friend died. Unexpectedly. 

I came into the bedroom, Deb was on the couch, "Honey, Donnie passed away." 

I think I blinked. "What?" 

She said it again. 

I understand the words, just not the combination and order they are in. 

I must have looked at her with a blank stare as she repeated it again. This time more pointed, punctuating each word. 

I sat down. I fought the tears and the need to say 'what' many more times.

The shock. The sadness. The what?

A few days later driving home from work, listening to music, per usual. Joni Mitchell fades in. Because, of course.

If a friend has recently died and you don't want to cry while driving, I recommend hitting the next channel button. 

I didn't though. 

I listened.  

But now it's just another show 

And you leave 'em laughing when you go 

And if you care, don't let them know 

Don't give yourself away 

I've looked at love from both sides now 

From give and take and still somehow 

It's love's illusions that I recall 

I really don't know love 

Really don't know love at all 

I felt the tears come. Because, we all think of Alan FUCKING Rickman cheating on Emma Thompson when that song plays. 

You can't not cry. All the feelings come in. It was like a floodgate. I cried for my friend. I cried for her family. I cried for me. I cried for Emma Thompson putting a smile on her face and moving forward. 

Bad Ass Baby.

I was fortunate to spend part of the afternoon of her celebration of life hanging out with our new neighbor baby. 

You know what helps with being sad? A baby. 

A badass baby that spent some weeks in the NICU. A baby that is going to grow up to be an awesome badass human. 

She was fighting a nap while I rocked her. I tried to convince her that one day, naps will be a very happy and welcome time. Like when she's about 40.

Unsure if it was my pep talk or the rocking but she finally gave up her fight. We rocked awhile and she slept. 

And then I handed her back to her parents and went to say goodbye to my friend. 

And, again, Joni Mitchell came on. Because, of course.

And the seasons, they go round and round 

And the painted ponies go up and down

We're captive on the carousel of time 

We can't return, we can only look 

Behind, from where we came 

And go round and round and round, in the circle game 

And go round and round and round, in the circle game 

This phase of life is not for the faint of heart. We are losing parents and friends; the kids are growing up. 

And there are babies. Thankfully.

Because it's just a circle game.