Bruiser

The husband travels. A lot. It can be stressful for all of us. Generally the mornings are the worst. Get myself ready, get cranky tired children ready, get dogs together, feed everything and make it to work on time. This is a lot to do with two people and alone there can be very rough mornings. This one, was actually a good one.

Lunches are ready, back packs are on backs - we're headed out the door - on time even! I'm actually feeling cocky about it - we're all on time! My hands are full, often the case. I'm hurried, also often the case. In the crazy of everything, and trying to get the door locked, my snack, an orange, falls out of my hand and rolls across the front porch.

Walking toward the steps, I looked at it lying there on the floor. Tucked up against the pillar, I considered just leaving it there because, hey the hands are full and I've not got a minute to waste. (I'm on time!) But my obsession with not wasting food beat out my instinct to be lazy. And then everything got fuzzy.

In a hurry and not really paying attention, I bent down. And essentially knocked myself out. Now, I've got nothing to brag about. It's a fairly ordinary face, kind of long, pointy chin, odd really… but its my face nonetheless. I'd like to keep it in reasonable condition. No point in making it worse by hitting it with things. That's a job for sun damage and alcohol.

You sir are an asshole. Asshole!

I'd like to say that some attacker had come up on the porch, someone desperate for a clementine orange from Costco, and bashed me in the face. Sadly, I cannot say that. I can report that all the times I've said, 'they just don't make them like this anymore' when referencing my house are pretty much true. That pillar is over 100 years old and just as sturdy and stable and able to remove cheekbones as it was the day it was built.




As my dad would've said, it smarted. 










As I would say, HOLYHELLIMMAGONNABURNTHISMOTHERFUCKINGHOUSEDOWN!

I grabbed my cheek, very hot to the touch and throbbing. No blood. Keep going. We're on time! Stay on time. Stay on time.

Ah, poor face.

Here's the thing. The job. It's new. At the old job where I had known some of my coworkers for ten years or more they probably wouldn't be very shocked by anything I showed up with on my face or otherwise. As the day wore on I noticed some double takes around the office. I work with a lot of sporty people, there are surely injuries with some regularity. But injuries where you look like you've been punched in the face at 7 AM? Probably not as many of those. I found myself explaining it. Loudly. So all my cube neighbors would know the situation. One of the engineers said he thought I just looked tired. ...I'll be dealing with him later... I don't care if you are a socially inept nerd, you don't ever tell a woman she just looks tired. (Notice I didn't say lady, obviously.)

Fortunately for the husband his alibi is strong. He wasn't even on the continent at the time and really the story is just too stupid not to be real.  And anyone who knows either of us would just laugh hysterically at the thought of him hurting me. A) he wouldn't. B) should 'A' be incorrect, he'd be dead.

And so, to share my stupidity and at least have a little fun with it, I have to take a selfie and post it. What you can't see in the selfie is the dimension. The bruise sticks out, like an egg. It's out front. It's loud and proud. And, then, I notice how badly the eyebrows look - so overdue for a wax. And, holy shit... are those my pores? This shiner isn't looking so bad now compared to everything else. Maybe I should always have one to sort of distract from the rest. I'd go get a wax and a facial post haste but the thought of anyone touching the right side of my face makes me cringe.

A few days in and it's fading to a nice shade of green. I plan on glaring at that pillar for the rest of my life. Given it's sturdiness it's going to be around a lot longer than me.