The Quest for Peace

I've been on this quest for peace business for awhile. And, I don't mean in the Superman save the world way.

More like something inside.

After my dad died, I told my mom I wanted to go see a psychic. She wanted to know what I was searching for.

I don't know.

Maybe that's the point.

Back in November of 2013, I, along with some friends, started a 21 day meditation challenge. Led by Deepak and Oprah we were going to become better people, or try harder, or something.

Here's the thing about Deepak's voice, it's soothing and persuasive at the same time. You actually want to do what he says. It's a power that I wish I had, but, my voice is grating at best.

At any rate, I'm lying there, early morning, in the dark while Deepak asks in my headphones, "What do you want?" Over. And. Over.

And shockingly, I didn't think new car, new house, beach house, stock split... any of my normal beautiful material things. On my back with my eyes closed, tears running down the sides of my face and into my hair and ears, it came to me.

Peace. I want peace.

Now getting there. That's the trick. I don't know how. Because I don't like quiet and it sure seems like peace and quiet go together. I need the kids playing, the TV on in living room, music on in the kitchen. Loud. In the quiet I think too much, over think, think the worst. Loud is better. Or so says my head. And we know that heads shouldn't be making any decisions. So, while my soul screams for everything to be quiet, my head screams for everything to be loud.

And then that song came out. O.A.R. Now, I've loved this band since before they had a hit. And right in the middle of my quest for peace and some serious churning and soul searching... what do you know? They come out with a song called: Peace.

Dicks.

Because what I didn't need or have time for was to sit in the dark and play that song on repeat and cry for days on end. But, I wasn't doing anything else. So, why not?

Here's the thing, there's two lines that get to me. Other than the obvious, "I want peace".

I just want to make you laugh.
I just want to see that smile.

That's kind of my thing. I really do just want to sit at a table with people I love and crack up and make them laugh. Nothing makes me happier.

Maybe that is what brings me peace.

Well, that and writing depressing blogs.