Identity

So, there are things you don't really think about until they are upon you.

Getting to the 'new world' involves a lot of forms. A lot. (Money, too. But, let's focus on forms.)

There is a line and a check box on one of the many forms:

Return to Maiden Name?

Well, yes.

But. But, here's the conundrum. I sort of don't really have one. I mean, I have one. As stated in previous posts, I was born. Not hatched or anything.

The trouble is... the parents. They divorced. Like about 70% of the parents of the 70's. I had my dad's last name. We weren't close. I felt abandoned. Because I was. Well, we were.

After one particularly terrible phone call with him I changed my last name. Took my step fathers last name.

In the early 90's this was easy. You got a new student ID, new social security card and new drivers permit. Took an afternoon.

You had a new identity.

Then I got married. Turned in a form. Took the married name.

Now, what follows is my opinion and my feelings. I don't care if you changed your last name or didn't.

I did. I got married really young.

I didn't really think about what that really was. Or meant.

As I got older I thought about how much I didn't like it - not the name, per se, but the idea that I took it and was now sort of owned. It seemed so old fashioned. Having the same last name doesn't make you any less or more married.

I didn't dwell on it. And I didn't really think about my birth certificate name. Until I applied for a passport.

Post 9/11.

You see, my dad was adopted. The name on his birth certificate isn't the same as his name on my birth certificate. My birth certificate name appears no where else and there is no legal document stating that I changed my name from one to the other prior to marriage.

I walked the woman at the courthouse through this. A few times. She nodded and said 'I can totally see the path. There must be a good story here.'

'Oh, there is.'

And so, a few years later, I sat filling out forms, staring at that check box and line. I do want to return to my maiden name. But, I also don't really know who that is. Or which name to choose.

I thought about it. A lot.

Tried them both on. Practiced saying and writing them.

Staci Lynne Crow.

Staci Lynne Larkin.

Staci Lynne Crow-Larkin.

Stewed.

The other day the boy was trying to get my attention. His preferred method is to say mom. Over and over and over and over and over again. A la Stewie.

"Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mom. Mom. MoMMMMMM. Mama. Momma. Mom. Mom"

Then finally, "Staci Crow, will you answer me?"

And there you have it.

Signed the form.